Not a (typical) pageant girl.
I have a friend who competed in the Miss Texas USA Pageant as Miss Ector County in 2007. After telling her about my desire to someday become a motivational speaker for young girls to encourage natural beauty, health and positive body image, she enthusiastically filled out an online application for the Miss Texas USA Pageant for me. If the age limit hadn’t changed this year, I would have been too old at 25 to compete, but this year the limit was moved to 27. I helped my friend fill out the application, and decided not to worry about rather or not I actually wanted to compete until I knew if I would be offered the opportunity. Yesterday I received a letter inviting me to compete in the Miss Texas USA Pageant as Miss Ector County USA; the same title my childhood friend previously held.
Today I actually started to consider competing. I told a handful of friends, discussing my thoughts only with those I knew would likely be supportive. I was met with varying levels of enthusiasm, and all encouraged me to accept the opportunity.
A good friend, currently in beauty school, was immediately excited and volunteered to be backstage with me as my hair person. I shared the same concerns I had revealed to everyone else; my need for sponsors, my lack of pageant experience and the sacrifice of time I would normally spend on other projects, but conceded that it would probably be a lot of fun, look amazing on graduate school applications and theatre resumes, and most importantly it might possibly open doors for me to help younger girls. Then I confessed to Beauty Girl my biggest fear which I hadn’t yet shared with anyone… I am terrified that my participation in the pageant would provide a certain handful of girls who are constantly looking for an opportunity to mock me with the perfect chance. I know this should not be a factor; I know it is ridiculous that these girls are the reason my first thought was “I can’t do this.” I just needed to tell someone so that I could hear how simply stupid this fear sounded out loud; so that someone would tell me “they are no reason to not do something that you want to do.” I cannot let fear of my critics stop me from doing something I want to do. And, because I find it terrifying, because it will force me to get past their critical judgment once and for all, I know I must do this. Beauty Girl and I then chatted about all the excitement that comes with a pageant: beauty preparations, picking out a dress, getting in shape and finding sponsors. Knowing she wanted to be involved made me more confident and excited about my decision to compete. (I go back and forth between wanting to use the word participate and compete, but participate is passive while compete is active and aggressive, and if I’m going to participate, I might as well compete!)
When I hung up with Beauty Girl, I wondered what I would do with the rest of my evening. Today was cloudy and drizzly, so I had initially assumed I wouldn’t run. But I realized if I was going to be in the pageant this September I had a lot of work to do, and I thought, “people who are in shape don’t make excuses not to work out, and the weather is just another excuse.” And just as I suspected, the only people I saw on my usual trail were the dedicated, in-shape joggers. I turned on my music, stretched, and began to jog. I pushed myself further than I ever had before (in all two months of my amateur running history, that is). But, today it was easy. Today I didn’t skip songs, I didn’t stop running before I reached my goal, I didn’t focus on every breath. My mind wandered through the details of my decision. I now have a million times more motivation to get my body in amazing shape.
I am so excited to have a new goal, and to want something I didn’t even realize I wanted. The pageant will allow me to have very unique and invaluable experiences I never anticipated. It will be fun. And most importantly, I will be doing something that, very frankly, terrifies me to death.
